For Water as Well as Blood

Blood is thicker than water, as the old platitude reminds us, and last week, Senator Rob Portman provided striking proof when he became the latest and possibly highest profile member of the GOP to change his views on marriage equality for all. Approximately two hundred members of his party have preceded him, but that list is sadly lacking in influential names or currently elected members. In that sense, Sen. Portman's change of heart is welcome, adding greater weight to that list of conservatives and putting his political future on the line to some extent.

Yet, in a sense his conversion leaves much to be desired. It's true that he's changed his mind, but his conversion was aided by the fact that he has a gay son, a son he loves and who has made him realize that being gay is a natural and unchangeable part of of some people. He has certainly been a good father, accepting and loving him for who he is, and changing his own views rather than attempting to force his son to change. But it took a very personal circumstance to get him to reevaluate his position, and realize that denying rights to gays is inhuman and unfair. In his many years in politics, he has undoubtedly met gay people (surely he has met Liz Cheney, or members of the Log Cabin Republicans), yet he never changed his views till they affected his flesh and blood. Or if his views had evolved, he kept them strictly to himself and allowed the hatred and discrimination against gays to continue unabated within his own party.

Some supporters have defended him, pointing out that even President Obama only recently changed his views and that Vice President Biden preceded him. Joe Biden invited some scorn from those people for suggesting that his views evolved from watching the portrayal of gays on "Will and Grace". Certainly, the president's leadership was less than stellar, and he probably waited for the opinions on his side of the ideological fence to mature ahead of him. His belated announcement was far less politically risky than it could have been. On the other hand, the ability of both Obama and Biden to change based on their interactions with people outside their immediate family reflects to their credit. Portman's change of heart, while important because of his prominence, also seems almost cowardly, coming after the winds of change had already swelled to near unstoppable levels in the public square and had begun to sweep through even his own party.

Before the 2012 election, Portman enjoyed tremendous stature in his party and was considered as Romey's running mate. To his credit, he did not hide his son's homosexuality during the vetting process (though on the flip side, it's unlikely that he could); to Romney's credit, this apparently did not weigh against Portman during the search process. What does count against both men, especially Portman, however is that knowing what they did know, they still supported a party platform that strongly opposed marriage equality. He held his peace and did not follow the president's lead in those months before the election. Did Portman change his mind about his son's right to marry a partner of his choice in just the last three months? That is a possibility and the more charitable explanation, but one cannot help but reflect on a missed opportunity to fundamentally change the direction of his party had he reached his epiphany just a few months prior and ridden out to fight the demons of ignorance and prejudice within the social conservative side of his party. In retrospect, it may even have aided the GOP heading  into an election where they painted themselves in the most conservative and uncompromising of colors.

The far greater sins of commission and omission came in the senator's announcement of his change of heart. He now calls for a repeal of the federal law outlawing marriage equality, but would like the states to retain the right to outlaw it all the same. Perhaps this is the belief of a staunch federalist, but I can't help but question his logic. If marriage equality is right, then it's right in every corner of the country, and should be extended even to those states that passed contrary laws in less enlightened times. These constitutional amendments against equality have lost popularity steadily each year, and in 2012 voters enshrined equality through popular vote for the first time in four states. Yet the restrictions remain on the books in many states and it will be many years, at best, before they are finally repealed. Portman would strong more empathetic if he had combined his federalist beliefs with a wholehearted plea for those states to reverse their laws. the midwest is moving quickly towards equality; shouldn't those rights be extended to every American? Equally important was the lack of contrition for his role in the original and terribly misnamed Defense of Marriage Act. Extensive self flagellation is not critical, far less helpful, but surely an apology is warranted to the many gays who were treated as less than equal citizens for the past twenty years. Portman acknowledges that equality is right; it follows then that the discrimination against them was, and is, wrong. If President Clinton could apologize for his less than willing role in those laws (mostly his failure to fight them), then those who played more active roles in crafting them should do no less.

Evolving on Equality - It Does Get Better

This past week, the political world was abuzz with the news that the Obama Administration has finally decided its position on the rights of gays and now supports their right to be treated exactly the same as everyone else. Not surprisingly their political opponents have taken a diametrically opposite position, underscored by a lopsided vote in North Carolina to amend their state constitution to deny homosexuals their rights to equality. They have also suggested that the President may have been trapped into this position by the premature admissions of Vice President Biden or that this was just a cynical ploy to mollify their wealthy day donors.

Cynicism is nothing new in politics, and usually is the safer bet on underlying motives. But one cannot have it both ways. President Obama is accused, with some justification, of flipfloping on the issue, dating back to a 1996 statement in favor of equality followed by a more conservative stance as he moved into the limelight, but is also  accused simultaneously of Machiavellian duplicity while being caught unawares by Biden's public statements. The reality is likely more mundane, a case of the President being caught somewhat by surprise but when faced with a clear choice, going with his better instincts and choosing liberal belief in equality over outdated fears and prejudices.

No one, save the President and perhaps his closest confidants can answer truly to his motives. But his words are instructive. And I can understand the ambivalence of a liberal on the subject, prey as I am to my own doubts and questions. On a purely rational level, my mind understands the absolute right of any two consenting adults to marry, and I can easily understand that a stable and loving home is the important requirement in raising children, not the gender of the parents. Judged purely as a matter of rights and equality, there is simply no debate, and as an agnostic atheist, religious mores do not constrain my views in any way. But while the rational part of my brain may be accepting, the visceral reaction, the emotional response to the sight of two men kissing is far less liberal. I'm ashamed to admit that deep down, my more conservative upbringing can still trump the liberal views developed later and in  a more thoughtful way, and in that respect, I think both President Obama and Vice President Biden are far ahead of me.

It is not comfortable to know that I cannot live up to the ideals I espouse and that I know to be right. I know that gays have the same rights as I or any other person, that to deny them a right we take for granted, the right to affirm their love and commitment to their partner is unjust and indefensible. But all knowledge in the world cannot overcome a powerful feeling of unease or discomfort when faced with the actual case. The discomfort is obviously irrational - after all, I feel absolutely no unease in the sight of two attractive women kissing, and I'd venture to say that given the success of such porn movies as "Where the Boys Aren't" a very large number of American men, including a majority of frat brothers and some red-blooded conservative, share my comfort level with lesbian sex as voyeuristic pleasure. If Portia di Rossi was the face of the campaign for equality, instead of Elton John or Andrew Sullivan, it would be comparatively easy to put aside the doubts and wholeheartedly endorse gay marriage. But life is messier than Hallmark cards, and people come in all shapes and sizes and they all deserve the same rights, irrespective of their resemblance to the covers of Vogue.

President Obama made a telling comment when he talked about his views evolving as he saw openly gay people working on his staff and that influenced his feelings, especially his comfort with them. Just a few decades ago, the blink of an eye in human history, people were as uncomfortable with interracial relationships. It was only as personal contact with people of different races grew that the prejudices fell away. One can see the same process at work again, as we are exposed to more homosexuals and we see that they are really just like us, and that this old world of ours will keep on turning just the same the day after we evolve to a more enlightened state. Vice President Biden by embracing his better self has proved that deep rooted prejudices can be overcome once we open our eyes and our minds, President Obama may have had less distance to travel ideologically  than his deputy, but has shown that not only is it possible to have a deep gulf between what one knows to be right and what one can comfortably accept as right and normal - I can only hope that I can grow as well as they have. And for all those who like I are conflicted between the reactions of mind and heart, or those who still cling to their fears and prejudices, it may help to realize that this is ultimately not about us granting gays their rights to be treated equally - that is going to happen - but about us having the courage to grow and evolve to a higher, freer and better place. It does get better, but not just for gays facing persecution, but for all of us.